Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[LaIslaBonita]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Tks for sharing good jokes bro bigbirdbird.

[BlackCrowd]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Break a condom will bring how many years bad luck?

[BlackCrowd]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Wife : "why are u home so early?"

Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"

Nice one, thanks bro

[Cavaliers]

Originally Posted by etsys

Wives are magicians........

They can change anything into an argument.
😆😜

This is damn true

[madpig88]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

this is a good one.

[lipe]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious type with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, when he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”

“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a very old wooden box carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed and said, “Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, shot over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form. Before the door split, the old man said, “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but finally surrendered to $500.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, his wife was getting unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She stripped off, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”

The Voodoo Penis shot into her and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A traffic policeman saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and said, “Voodoo Penis? Voodoo Penis, my ass...”

[lipe]

After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.

He asks, “Do you want more sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”

[Hurricane88]

Nice jokes here...

[bigbirdbird]

A couple had a quarrel one evening. When it was time to sleep, the man lay on the floor while the lady slept on the bed. Later into the night, the husband had an erection, he then held his small man and said "you better sleep, didn't you see that I quarreled with her?"

The lady replied "don't involve everybody in our quarrels, the case is between you and I, don't involve him.

Allow him to come and play with his friend".

[Hurricane88]

More jokes...

[Hurricane88]

continue

[CheongingEdge]

Just sharing one I got from a friend:

Child asking mom: What is an overseas vacation?
Mom: An overseas vacation is where you get to enjoy and experience life in different parts of the world and a time when you can relax and simply enjoy living.

Child asking dad: What is an overseas vacation?
Dad: An overseas vacation is when your mom wants to get away from the place she's tired of living in to go to another place where the people there are tired of living in, spend MY money there to make the people there richer and then come back to the same old place where she's tired of living and continue her life but with lesser money and more reasons to complain about how little money I have.

[dyelook]

Originally Posted by CheongingEdge

Just sharing one I got from a friend:

Child asking mom: What is an overseas vacation?
Mom: An overseas vacation is where you get to enjoy and experience life in different parts of the world and a time when you can relax and simply enjoy living.

Child asking dad: What is an overseas vacation?
Dad: An overseas vacation is when i can get away from your mom boring bed stories & hear new bed stories from other moms to be..

[StrongBrew]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says, "Ten dollars."The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[StrongBrew]

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."