Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hurricane88]

Wife fight...

[warbird]

The Lucky Escape!

[fanwoxia]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Wife fight...

Great share bro, thanks!

[StrongBrew]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

[bigbirdbird]

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" Offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story.
You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."


The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh NO, what am I to DO? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca) Asshole.

(Gary) Bitch

(Rebecca) FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one

[bigbirdbird]

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

[blackskai]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Haha very sad indeed

[StrongBrew]

Ole and Lena were in the 69 position when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play. "How did you get so smart?" Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes, I remember," says Lena. "Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

[pastamania]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

Wahahaa nice one

[Hurricane88]

More jokes...

[Hurricane88]

😍🤪😍

... *For his wife's birthday, a man ordered a cake on the phone.*

Salesman: What message do you want on the cake?

Man: Write "You are getting older but you are getting better."

Salesman: How should we write the words ?

Man: Well.. put *"You are getting older"* at the top and *"but you are getting better"* at the bottom.

When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message

It read: *"You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"*

😂😂😂😂

Moral:- *Don't order cakes over phone.*

[keaikeai]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

More jokes...

Damn funny ! Hope to read more.

[letshigh5]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

😍🤪😍


When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message

It read: *"You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"*


Moral:- *Don't order cakes over phone.*

Nice joke and damn funny.

[dailymirror]

Thanks buddies for posting many many jokes

[EagleF15]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

😍🤪😍

... *For his wife's birthday, a man ordered a cake on the phone.*

ROFL so damn funny, thanks bro.