Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ruffles]

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
"How in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

[Ruffles]

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn’t reside here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton”.

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn’t reside here.” The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I’ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn’t reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!” The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow.

[Ruffles]

Hilary, Obama, and Edwards
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, ‘You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.’

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.’

John added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.’

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pi lot, ‘Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.’

[Humpy Dumpty]

Ruffles. Ur jokes aren't funny.

[aegis]

Aww...humpty..give ruffles a break.. At least he is contributing...

[seesaw]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son.

The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment.

For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall.

Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

[seesaw]

You may not know this but many inanimate objects have a gender...

Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying!

[Decartes]

Originally Posted by Humpy Dumpty

Ruffles. Ur jokes aren't funny.

Not bad lah.

Thanks bro Ruffles for the jokes.

[Roman city]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they’re sperm samples???” , “DO IT!” So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

[Ruffles]

Royal Wedding Night

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter
around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired
to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, “Charles darling, please
remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!”

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but
it would not budge. “Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder!” Charles yelled back,
“I’m trying, my darling! But it’s just so blooming tight!”

“Come on, my prince! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla
exclaimed, “Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!”

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, “See? I told
you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!”

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, “Oh, bloody
hell, darling! This one’s even tighter!”

To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, “That’s my boy: once a Navy man,
always a Navy man!”

[Ruffles]

Surprise visit

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to your child in uni. You might
be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when
I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip.

Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the
doorbell.

“Yeah?” a voice called from inside.

“Does Bob Smith live here?” I asked.

“Yup,” the voice answered. “Just leave him on the front porch.
We’ll drag him in later.”

[Ruffles]

The biker

A seasoned old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
to a pub in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old gentleman walks up to the bar and calls out to the very sexy female bartender who is serving drinks and bending down to show her ample bosoms to a couple of leering admirers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “how may I help you today?”

The old biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he
whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes,
I sure am”.

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
“Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

[Ruffles]

Wifely duties

Three men were sitting together discussing about how they had
given their new wives her duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her
that she was going to do dishes and housecleaning. It took a
couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day
he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Central New York. He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every
meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day
he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough
to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[Ruffles]

New neighbourhood

Little Pauly’s family who had just moved into a new neighbourhood and
was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbours seemed cold
and made no overtures of welcome. Pauly’s mother was overjoyed when
finally Pauly came in and announced happily, “Mommy, the lady down the
street asked my name today!”

Oh, how nice!” exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. “And then what
did she do?”

Pauly: “Then she gave it to the policeman.”

[Ruffles]

When insults had class

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll
waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest
idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by
his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of
my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

in response.
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second… if there is one.” - Winston Churchill

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost
like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” -
John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope
it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of
dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” -
Paul Keating

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation
won’t cure.” - Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” -
Robert Redford