Extramarital Affair: Truly in love with each other

[korg2020]

Dear brothers,
It took me a while to pluck the courage to write this message, in the hope that someone can give me good advice.
When I was young, the thought of extra marital affairs brings to my mind an adulterous couple who wants nothing but satisfaction of their own physical needs.
Now I am in my forties, have two kids and a wife. I guess I married because of society expectations, to make my parents happy, and of course, as everyone says, time will help improve the relationship.
After 12 years of marriage, it has taken a toll on our communication. My job stress, kids, financials etc. There seems to be a widening gap between me and my wife. Harsh words were always used on me but I chose to remain silent as she is the violent type.
I got to know this female colleague of mine for 6 years. We always watch out for each other and she is also a mother of 3. Her husband has taken her gor granted and spends time either at work or helping out the family.
We admitted our feelings for each other and gave each other strong emotional support, and we also felt that if we could start all over, we would definitely find ourselves the more compatible couple in terms of chemistry, culture, needs and understanding.
We have developed to a stage where we are always looking out and caring for each other, and now I understand that not all couples who commit adultery are doing it for physical needs, but for emotional needs as well. Both are equally important.
I would like to hear from brothers out there, their experience, and also advice. It is very hard for us to turn back, but I wonder if it is naive of us to carry on the relationship, until the day where we fulfill our obligations, bring up the kids, and coming out to the open with the relationship.
Until then, I also find it a struggle, as we cannot openly show our affection in public, and had to do everything without public attention. It is very tough emotionally.
Lastly, if there is a place where we can go off together to enjoy each other's company, not the sexual nature, but the romantic type like watching sunsets, holding hands, etc, please do advise me. Do PM me if it is not convenient to disclose the place or location, as it could be in Singapore or nearby countries.
Thanks very much in advance.


M

[kgbkgb]

Originally Posted by korg2020

Lastly, if there is a place where we can go off together to enjoy each other's company, not the sexual nature, but the romantic type like watching sunsets, holding hands, etc,
M

Err, ur already in yr 40s and u hv no idea where to bring her to hangout? I'm puzzled. I tot only 15 y.o. kids wld ask such questions

[2centsworth]

Originally Posted by kgbkgb

Err, ur already in yr 40s and u hv no idea where to bring her to hangout? I'm puzzled. I tot only 15 y.o. kids wld ask such questions

You know, nobody will fault you if you got nothing better to say and you actually KEPT QUIET about it.


TS, I understand your situation. You will like to hang out at nice places where both of you won't be spotted by people who know both families. May I suggest going for spa? Couple spa to be exact. It's a place where you can relax and privacy is of utmost importance. I ever brought someone here to a couple spa. Quite nice. $170 for the couple spa; the first 30 mins is in a jaccuzzi, the next 90 mins can be spent on massage or a combination of a 60 min massage with a 30 min scrub.

I also like the feel that you are there to relax and not there because it's a 'safe' place to be... The girl I brought... the first time we saw each other naked was when we were in the room, stripping to enter the jacuzzi. Damn erotic... from never see her naked to soaking in hot tub naked together... within 1 min. Heavenly..

[korg2020]

Thanks very much for the advice, much appreciated. Hopefully I can get to hear someone who is in the same situation as me and offer me some advice on how to cope with such relationship.
I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....
Thanks again.


M

[HyperV]

Originally Posted by korg2020

.. Her husband has taken her gor granted and spends time either at work or helping out the family....

Thanks very much in advance.


M

Bro, try to think if you also take your wife as granted, and if she has same feelings and frustration as you, talk to her, maybe you can solve your problem easily

[Gunner999]

TS.. I can fully understand how you feel cause i'm in a similar situation. Believe me that you are not alone.. there are many others out there just like you and me.

And I've thought thru this long and hard...I dont think there is a solution or action plan in the short term.. just react accordingly to situation as you move along. But you must know that there's always risks involved when you continue such lifestyles (your wife or your gf's spouse may find out...confrontations, kids affected etc)

Last two things i'd like to share with you:

1) If you continue with your 'socially accepted but unhappy' marriage till you are 80 years old, and when you look back at the unhappiness you've endured for the last 40 years... will there be any regrets? That's why i chose to continue despite the risks..

2) No matter what... Always look after your kids.

[HCKing]

Originally Posted by korg2020

Thanks very much for the advice, much appreciated. Hopefully I can get to hear someone who is in the same situation as me and offer me some advice on how to cope with such relationship.
I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....
Thanks again.


M

really not easy as she's also married. if she still single still can go neighbour countries together for 1 - 2 days free n easy 'business trip'

unfortunately sg is too small its hard not to bump into ppl either party knows. its down to yr luck liao TS.

[Gentle Beast]

My belief is that both of you are in this situation because you have something in common (breakdown in each other's relationship). It has been 6 years since but if I am not wrong, the sparks probably started not too long ago. Bear in mind, with 5 kids (yours 2, hers 3) things can get pretty complicated into the future. Financially it could be a NIGHTMARE. My advice is for both of you to walk away from this situation before it becomes even more complicated. Given the choice, I will work on my relationship with my wife. Not easy but more straight forward and less complications.

[shctaw]

When I read your thread... I can feel your heart totally...

Think it thru...... you do not need to break up 2 family just to be together.

See whether you and your GF can become FB cum companion.

But usually the Girl will want your to divorce..... because woman usually want guy to commit.

I also have a friend whom have a companion for 20 years...... he is around 60 now. He met his GF when he is 40 back in 1990.

[TiredSal]

May I ask, when you find that gaps are widening between you and your wife, did you attempt to do stuff that you used to do for her while you both were dating, to at least remind her why she'd said, I do.... when you both married?

Harsh words were used on you, but were there neglects you used on her? Instead of thinking that you'd suffered quite a bit in your relationship, have you seen whether you wife had suffered as much?

Have you tried romancing her once again? Leaving kids behind and go for a 'once again' Honeymoon? Candlelight dinner? Surprise gift? Flowers... and kiss her after you tell her that you love her, right in front of the kids?

Right here, I'm speaking from the perspective of a wife. Of a woman. And, I was a victim of an extramarital affair.

My hubby complained almost the same issue as you. Felt that the gap between him and me and widened to beyond repair stage. Felt that I was violent against him and he was the one whom had taken all the blows from me.

What he couldn't understand is, I yearned for his touch, his concern, his care... his loving words towards me. A kiss when I'm down, and when I'm almost to a verge of explosion from stress from kids and family.... I want him to just step out and hug me. Telling me he's there with me. But, he chose to hide at work, hide in computer room... and eventually, seek solace in another.

As for me, I admit that I wasn't that exactly nice to him for a while. I had chosen to express my frustration in a very wrong way. I had said harsh words to him when I see him rather spending on dinners out with friends, on his car... and his cigerattes. It's been 7 yrs since I'd last received a present from him. He missed my birthday every single yr... Where for me, I will surprise him on his birthday without fail, a holiday, a gift, or just a surprise party. But none for me.... thus, I chose to give him black face most of the time. Instead of choosing to talk to him what is making me upset.

And when he was with her, they went for holidays at his own expense, and diamond necklaces, flowers... movies... you name it. I don't wish to think back anymore.

You and your colleague had spent too much time with each other. Thus the emotional bond happened. Both of you are not staying together, thus everything is still so wonderfully romantic for both of you.

What if one day, you start to see how she pluck the hair from her underarm? And wake up to a rather nasty smell from her breath when she tried to be romantic by kissing you good morning. Then eventually, telling you why aren't you both able to enjoy a nice holiday at Europe every once a yr? Does all the stress sets in again? Doesn't communication plays a part in every single sort of relationship? Be it friendship/BGR/Parents and child/In-laws?

You just sorely lacked communications with your wife. Thus it pushed you towards her.

But, if you still strongly felt that 'she' is for you.... then please do not hurt your family anymore. Just be frank with your wife and break things off totally, before you can proceed with your 'showing of affection openly', and 'do everything without public attention'. Don't hurt your kids anymore. They are the most innocent.

Good luck to you, from a lady's point of view...

[shctaw]

Nice.....

Cool thread....

SBF have people that share real life story that one can learn to appreciate what they already have.

We read and learn from each other experience and mistakes. It is better than commiting the mistake ourselves and learn the hard way.

I did some wrong before too; but I am lucky to have U-turn back...
I keep my focus after my U-turn and I stay on the road throughout.

Remember not to stray too far off...... you do not want to end up like one of the sad story in the Chinese News Paper.

[pz33]

Well, I have been in this forum since I was in my early twentys and now I am approaching mid-thirties and yet this is my first posting....

I have exactly the same situation but less complicated as we do not have kids. But I feel very very strongly the same way as per what TiredSal has said and I do seriously believe it as well.

One day, if you also find out that your wife has another similar soul mate (opp sex) as you, I can 100% sure that you will feel gutted as well. My suggestion is that have a honest and everything bare all talk with your wife. If she still doesn't want to change or work on the relationship, at least you have try....

Bros, remember, you have once so in love with your wife before, it is not that you don't love her anymore, it is that you have forgotton how to love her again.

[tuffcookie]

What advice would you want us to give to your wife if she were to post a similar thread as you in this forum?

My one cent.

[goodpartner]

Originally Posted by korg2020

I used to frown on people who commit adultery but now realised that people do have genuine reasons for it....

IMHO, if you endorse these as "genuine reasons" for committing adultery, then you should never believe in marriage in the first place. Or perhaps you still do not know what is a marriage.

There will always be someone out there who is a better companion or better whatever than the one you are having now. If you subscribe to the notion of marriage, then you should just stop searching and comparing once you're committed. For the better or worst....

Else don't get married or start any family.

Marriage is not for everyone, unfortunately most people don't know what they want in life.

p.s. I orso don't know what I want.... why am I in sbf after such a long break?!

[Demonkin7]

Originally Posted by TiredSal

May I ask, when you find that gaps are widening between you and your wife, did you attempt to do stuff that you used to do for her while you both were dating, to at least remind her why she'd said, I do.... when you both married?

Harsh words were used on you, but were there neglects you used on her? Instead of thinking that you'd suffered quite a bit in your relationship, have you seen whether you wife had suffered as much?

Have you tried romancing her once again? Leaving kids behind and go for a 'once again' Honeymoon? Candlelight dinner? Surprise gift? Flowers... and kiss her after you tell her that you love her, right in front of the kids?

Right here, I'm speaking from the perspective of a wife. Of a woman. And, I was a victim of an extramarital affair.

My hubby complained almost the same issue as you. Felt that the gap between him and me and widened to beyond repair stage. Felt that I was violent against him and he was the one whom had taken all the blows from me.

What he couldn't understand is, I yearned for his touch, his concern, his care... his loving words towards me. A kiss when I'm down, and when I'm almost to a verge of explosion from stress from kids and family.... I want him to just step out and hug me. Telling me he's there with me. But, he chose to hide at work, hide in computer room... and eventually, seek solace in another.

As for me, I admit that I wasn't that exactly nice to him for a while. I had chosen to express my frustration in a very wrong way. I had said harsh words to him when I see him rather spending on dinners out with friends, on his car... and his cigerattes. It's been 7 yrs since I'd last received a present from him. He missed my birthday every single yr... Where for me, I will surprise him on his birthday without fail, a holiday, a gift, or just a surprise party. But none for me.... thus, I chose to give him black face most of the time. Instead of choosing to talk to him what is making me upset.

And when he was with her, they went for holidays at his own expense, and diamond necklaces, flowers... movies... you name it. I don't wish to think back anymore.

You and your colleague had spent too much time with each other. Thus the emotional bond happened. Both of you are not staying together, thus everything is still so wonderfully romantic for both of you.

What if one day, you start to see how she pluck the hair from her underarm? And wake up to a rather nasty smell from her breath when she tried to be romantic by kissing you good morning. Then eventually, telling you why aren't you both able to enjoy a nice holiday at Europe every once a yr? Does all the stress sets in again? Doesn't communication plays a part in every single sort of relationship? Be it friendship/BGR/Parents and child/In-laws?

You just sorely lacked communications with your wife. Thus it pushed you towards her.

But, if you still strongly felt that 'she' is for you.... then please do not hurt your family anymore. Just be frank with your wife and break things off totally, before you can proceed with your 'showing of affection openly', and 'do everything without public attention'. Don't hurt your kids anymore. They are the most innocent.

Good luck to you, from a lady's point of view...

Sis TiredSal you r a extramarital affair survivor not a victim cos you manage to climb back on your feet and share with us ur experience. U r a brave woman, u have my respect.

I do agree with Sis TiredSal. Sometime it is lack of communication that makes everything so bad. We always have shorter temper with those we love. Why is that so? Cos we always think that they should know us better and able to take our outburst if there is any. Then hurtful words comes out in a rash of moment... Then we dun know how to savage it all... It is sad but true that we hurt most by those we love.

So we have to endure, understand and be patient about it. let the rash moment pass and then really sit down n listen to them. Sometime not only we lack communication we also lack listening skills.

TS if it is just a moment of rash thought and emotional roller coaster we will understand. But look at the bigger picture with both family inside and what damage both your acts might cause. Do you love your kids and does she love her kids? Ever thought of why you brought them to this world? To see both the parents breakup and throw verbal abuse at each other daily? Where is the love? Sorry I may sounds old school but I still believe that is how loving someone and staying committed in marriage. Think twice, think thrice if u need to before u missed the U-turn. Then u will have to do a lo of damage control later for both u n her side.