Serious Stupid father ruins his daughter's life with an inappropriate name.

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Living up to your name

march 18, 2017 by caitanyatan, posted in stories
My father bestowed upon me a name that I am yet to fulfil in uniqueness.
Caitanya.
“What a beautiful name,” people usually say.
Thanks!
But with something as unique and tricky to pronounce as a name like ‘CAITANYA’, one can picture growing-up to be quite a 5-lettered B word.
My Life lessons are best learnt through pain, giving me another understanding of the cliched saying, ‘No pain, no gain’. A phrase so freely utilized by the previous generation to suggest toughing-out to reap the benefits of what is to come from having toughed-out.
I thought it meant studying hard and, as a result, getting good grades (oh ye of asian brain-washing).
Nobody said it would mean something much deeper, and take almost 30 years. Suddenly my respect for the older generation has increased tenfold, simply because these ‘longer-liveds’ probably see layers in overused sayings that just seemed like, well, overused sayings to us youngins.
Primary (elementary) school was the start of the cliques, consisting of ‘Black Chickens’, ‘Brown Chickens’, and ‘Yellow Chickens’ – the innocent awakening of racism in the form of colours and animals.
Being a part of the ‘Yellow Chicken’ clan (75% of Singapore’s racial makeup), I’m of the majority race, which as you can imagine, means a certain ‘Yellow privilege’ in society, or in this case, the quadrangle (schoolyard).
But the moment they found out the origins of my name, it was over.
The name-calling. The obvious, exchanged-glances for approval, from peers, backing their judgmental questions, from both ‘Yellow Chickens’ and ‘Black Chickens’ alike.
Are you Chinese? Are you Indian? If you are Chinese then why do you have an Indian name? If you have an Indian name then how can you be Chinese?
It all sounds so ridiculous now, but 7 year old Caitanya had a different set of ears to the one she now has.
Yes my friends. The name ‘Caitanya’ is of Indian Origins.
Pronounced: Chai-Tan-Ya.
It is also, a MAN’s name.
It belonged to a man who was regarded as a reincarnation of the Lord Krishna, from the Hindu religion originating in India.
You see, my father, is a Musician in the 70s, a hippie; a new-age, yoga-loving, sitar-playing Chinese-raced Singaporean man with a LOVE for Indian music. The serene sounds of the instruments, the meditative trance brought about by the ‘Tanpura’ in the background, keeping a constant drone of sound, like breath, non-stop. The gentle fingering of the ‘Sympathetic strings’ on a Sitar, that insinuates a cascading waterfall. The ‘Dha, Dhin, Ta, Ti, TiRaKiTa, Tin, Tu’ of the Tabla, amongst other sounds, suggesting a range of variety in tempo within the constant pulse of the human heartbeat – painting the perfect, uniquely-interpreted landscape, in the mind’s eye.

It doesn’t have to be your ‘thing’ for you to understand that there IS beauty in this art form – and my papa was intoxicated.

He packed his bags and left on some crazy pilgrimage to India, living the life, soaking up the spirit up like a dehydrated sponge, finding his Sitar master, who turned out to be the great, Pandit (Master) Ravi Shankar.
Just look at my super Chinese bespectacled papa, and this legend of a Sitarist. #proudkidmoment
Credits to ‘Flame of the Forest‘ for this photo.
He lived the ‘Hari Krishna’ life to dive deeper into the entire culture of the music he loved so dear. A Chinese Singaporean man, in the 70s, voyaging out into what was considered by so many Singaporeans then, to be beneath them. #IDGAF strong in this one. Embracing the opportunity, fulfilling his artistic desires, igniting the spark and setting his soul on musical fire.
Fast forward some years. Under social expectations of his still traditional family, he was to follow the regular milestones of every other existing person in that era; to get a job, find a wife, be a dad, provide for his family.
In his last attempts to retain his beautiful memories, he seeded his children with Hindu names – reminiscent of his musicianship years in India – continuing his legacy, as we were to become his masterpieces.
As fate would have it, all 3 of us developed in his footsteps, becoming artists with obsessions similar and dissimilar to his own.
Krsna Tan (Middle child) on the Electric sitar, the first of its kind, wired up to guitar pedals to create a brand new interpretation to the traditionally perceived Instrument.
Govin Tan (The youngest), who specializes in the Tabla, modernizing the Indian percussion instrument by integrating it with the western drum kit.
Oh, how proud,
my father must be,
that his apples don’t fall
too far from the tree.
Both my brothers have won International Indian music open category competitions in their respective fields of expertise, and now orchestrate a fantastic World Music band (also handed down to them by my father) called ‘Flame of the Forest‘ – writing original, picturesque, cinematic compositions, collaborating with musicians who play both western and Asian instruments.
Appearing in articles and known as the ‘Chinese Brothers with Indian names who specialize in Indian Instruments’. From left: Krsna & Govin Tan, and Chris (the guitarist).
A true celebration of differences, the brain and loin child of my forward thinking father.
That one time we performed together on National Day 2016, where I got to sing with them. What an honour for me, what a proud father moment for my papa.
Listen to their music in Spotify (Marimba dance is my favourite), or support them by buying their EP on iTunes.
Some may know that I took a different route, but just in case:
I studied Musical Theatre as a Degree, but have gone on to all sorts of performances from Disneyland, to TV, to commercials, to touring kids shows, hosting, and managing international performers internationally.
I teared up thinking that in those days, my father couldn’t pull away from societal norms the way I was able to. The way he let me, knowing my wild spirit is residual of his own. The blood coursing through my veins carries the same untamable qualities that he possessed before I was born. He even composed a song for his first-born entitled ‘Caitanya’s Smile’. What an honour it is to be the recipient of such a gift, when all I’d done up to that point was, essentially, putting an end to what made his soul soar.
And yet, growing up, I knew nothing.

I hated my name.
Not because it was a ‘Black Chicken’ name. But because, how could you love something that has caused you so much pain, made you endure such mockery, questioning who you are for such a long time.
But in some way, I am glad that I was born into ‘easy’, and thrown a curveball that I wasn’t about to catch till later years. Simply because if I had it easy all my life, maybe I wouldn’t have had the privilege of walking in the shoes of the minority; experiencing discrimination first hand, developing empathy as the result, and learning to stand adamantly by diversity in as many aspects in life as I can.
Knowing that even through the diversity of things, we’re still quite similar; Adversity, for one, is a shared experience! Eveybody possesses, at least, a part of themselves they haven’t yet developed the courage to acknowledge.
I know what my father intended – for me to possess the virtues that come with the name.
But I know now what I intend for myself.
I prefer now to be known as ‘Kate-Anya’ (a variated pronunciation of the original ‘Chai-Tan-Ya’), which stuck with me since attendance-taking on the first day Musical Theatre School, my true awakening into the #performerlife.


So.
What’s in a name?
For me – it signifies my Papa’s Story, hand in hand with my Own.
An ungrateful misunderstanding for a good part of my childhood, but a lifetime to figure out how best to live up to possesing such a magnificent ‘story’ to tell.
I have a little niece now. Her name is Gaia.
‘Gaia’ translates to ‘mother earth’, also unique with big shoes to fill.
​​Uncle Govin starting the training young.
​​In true sharing of Art, Krsna made a little Sitar for his daughter, and she’s loving it!
Branching from a family with an Auntie and an Uncle with unique names, I hope she will enjoy her childhood reaffirmed that difference is truly a blessing.
Thank you Mummy for this photo of the loves of your life.
Thank you for simply loving us.



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